on life’s nonlinearities
It’s been nearly a year since I’ve written a proper blog post, and what a whirlwind year it has been. I got back from my 13 weeks of European travel just in time for Thanksgiving, tried (and failed) to buy a house in December, moved into a high-rise apartment building, and proceeded to build a perfect little nest on the 14th floor. Mila is happy and healthy, although she continues to wake me up at 6AM by chewing on the Christmas lights in my bedroom or rustling whatever paper she can get her paws on (she usually just wants fresh food or cuddles).
My dad and I finally got our two covid-trips done: Antarctica and Argentina. Each was incredible in its own right, although the Antarctic experience was a little muddled by Chile’s extremely strict coronavirus rules, and Argentina was mostly spent recovering from the previous week, which was spent in Cabo at an offsite with my coworkers.
Around the same time as Cabo/Argentina, I fell in love. One big hurdle to the relationship: he lives across the Atlantic. So I took an impromptu trip to Amsterdam and Paris because, well, I had a date. I worked remotely in the evenings just as I had last fall, but with a virtual background on my zoom meetings this time around.
Everything was going swimmingly at work and in my personal life for once, which meant it was time for chaos to throw me a curveball. Last week, my company announced they had to do a round of layoffs due to the abrupt change in “the macroeconomic situation.” My position was one of the ones they eliminated. I was the least senior engineer on the team, so despite my consistent deliveries and good performance, I was let go.
I’d be lying if I said I was totally heartbroken. By the end of my time there, the only thing keeping me from actively looking for new opportunities elsewhere was the fact that I absolutely loved working with my team. If the outpouring of support, reference offers, and kind words from my former coworkers is any indication, they felt the same way about me 💙 So, while it feels like I got locked out of a house I was still living in with people I genuinely love, I am now free to find a better project to work on, or maybe start building out an idea of my own.
There’s a metaphor that I’ve been honing over the years, one that I usually use as a parallel for navigating a breakup, but I think it can apply to any of life’s unexpected hardships:
Imagine you’re walking through a rain forest along a beautiful path, when suddenly you find yourself at the edge of a wide, deep canyon, a river rushing along at its base. There is a sturdy vine nearby that you can swing from, and behind you is something preventing you from turning back (maybe a bear, a panther, a fallen rock blocking the path, etc). You can only move forward. You can do this in three ways:
1) You walk off the cliff and fall into the canyon (despair). The rocks will dash you, the river drown you, or at least sweep you off into the deeper unknown.
2) You swing on the vine but cling to it for longer than you should. As the pendulum settles into stillness over the canyon, you are stuck, getting more and more tired. You can’t stay there forever. You have two choices: you can let go and drop into the canyon, or you can climb up the vine, across the branch it hangs from, and onto solid ground. But longer you wait, the less energy you’ll have to climb, and the harder it will be to get yourself back on the path.
3) You swing on the vine and let go on the other side of the canyon. You are suspended in air for a moment, which can be terrifying, but you land in safety. You’re safe again, and you can keep moving forward.
Life will always have canyons for us to cross: it is up to us decide whether and how to cross them. Staying in denial about the canyon’s existence will result in you walking off its edge. Getting stuck in anger, bargaining, or depression will take out a debt of effort to pay back later, with interest, or otherwise forfeit everything and fall victim to the circumstance anyway. (Caveat: I do believe a little anger can be strategically therapeutic, which is why I let myself be angry for a little while. I want to get that out of my heart while it’s fresh and small, so it doesn’t fester and grow to consume me with time).
But if I let go and accept the situation, I will avoid setting myself up for an increasingly uphill battle.
So, even though everything is in flux right now for me, it’s okay. I know I still have so much to learn as a software engineer, but I also know that for the level I’m at, I’m a good one. I know that the layoff wasn’t my fault, and I’m actually a little relieved that I get to move on with my professional life instead of riding out the storm that my former company finds itself weathering (needless to say, I wish them all the best). I know that I am lucky to have many opportunities before me of different kinds. Most importantly, I know that I am loved. Ironically, I feel more confident stepping boldly forward than I would have if I hadn’t been laid off. I owe a lot of that to the people I am blessed to call my friends and family.
I can’t wait see what this next chapter holds.
Until next time,
Jo
